Avoid ‘Christmas couple conflict’ by remembering the spirit of the season

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Published Date 12/12/2023

Wreaths and garlands and lights, oh my! Realtor.com's Sally Jones admits that each holiday season she can’t wait to hang lights and trim the tree. As she pulls out carefully wrapped ornaments, she reminisces about when and where she acquired each one. And her window displays cheerfully greet both neighbors and passers-by.

But what happens when one of you is Xmas crazy and the other is lukewarm on just about all of it? “He’d happily take a holiday from the holidays,” says Jones of her spouse. Decor drama is not fun, but it’s important to note that drastic decor differences are not uncommon. Most conflict is caused by differences in ideas, values, or desires, with seemingly minor disagreements triggering something deeper.

“The primary reason people disagree on holiday decor comes down to what they grew up experiencing,” says event planner Annemarie Schumacher. “For some, there’s nothing better than mismatched ornaments they’ve hung on their family’s tree for generations. Others can’t imagine a tree that isn’t perfectly color-coordinated.”

Experts agree, however, that the key to overcoming conflict is acknowledging that differences are normal and to work to find a middle ground. In Jones’ case, she and her husband met in their 30s, when they were each already settled in their own homes. He didn’t decorate his house for the holidays. She did.

“While the embodiment of holiday spirit in the form of decor doesn’t matter to him, it matters greatly to me,” says one of the people Jones interviewed. She acknowledges that when days turn dark and gloomy in winter, so can her mood. So she looks forward to some holiday hype to lift her spirits.

“Soft white lights, holiday music, movies, and all the traditions I grew up with are like a warm hug,” she continues. So I’m grateful that my partner indulges me—and even admires the results of my decorating. He’ll even lend a hand if I ask.

A bid for connection is a verbal or nonverbal cue signaling a need for attention, she explains. And our ability to respond sets up a pattern of give and take that makes for a healthy relationship.

Do couples argue about how early to decorate each year? Does Rudolph have a shiny nose? Sometimes, couples are simply out of sync about the timing of the holiday decorations, as was the case Alex Kelly, a New York-based writer and her husband. While they don’t have decor wars, she is eager to decorate and put up my tree right away, while he is blasé about the whole thing. The couple compromised, however, by having her husband bring holiday boxes up from the basement the first week of December, and Kelly enjoyed decorating the tree with their daughter, who’s 4, while he was at work.

But what if BOTH of you love to decorate for the holidays? Michigan-based Charlotte Wood, says she and her partner have opposing styles. She goes for simple and elegant, and he is all about the “go big or go home” approach. She describes one Christmas when her partner wanted to fill up every square inch of the lawn with giant inflatables that she found patently tacky. But they realized that no matter what the decor, when all is said and done the true magic of the holidays is all about spending time with those you love.

“Try to have empathy about decorations you may not have personally chosen,” Schumacher suggests. “Especially when someone you love adores them, and it makes them happy. After all, they’ll only be on display for a few short weeks.”

Realtor, TBWS

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